Bad Writing Competition

A flying pork product helped an American writer claim literary infamy in this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which crowns the author of the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel. 

 

Lawrence Person from Austin, Texas beat out more than 6,300 contestants with his deliberately dreadful description: "She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck". 

 

The winning entry captures perfectly the spirit of the contest, which celebrates purposefully purple prose and memorably mangled metaphors. In other words, bad writing.

 

Named after Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton – who gave us the infamous "It was a dark and stormy night" opener – this quirky literary competition has been running for 42 years. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bulwer-Lytton's original sin against literature appeared in his 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, featuring an opening paragraph so overwrought it became a template for bad writing: "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents – except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness". Overwhelmingly verbose.

 

Check out my selection of seven other submissions.

 

Jack Harnly of Sarasota in Florida, USA submitted this sentence to a non-existent novel: "She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long-overdue phone bill". 

 

Gwen Simonalle of Grenoble, France came up with this: "Staring unblinkingly into the pleading, tear-filled eyes of yet another dame looking for me to solve all her problems, I sighed, stretched, scratched my whiskers, stuck my hind leg in the air and bent my spine at a 45-degree angle to reach down and lick my butt clean, then donned my fedora – Taco, Cat Detective, was officially on the case".

 

Eric Williamson of Nine Mile Falls in Washington, USA's contribution: "Cthulhu awoke from loathsome dreams of gangrenous decay and the foul stench of congealing viscera, lifting his pulpy, misshapen head to find what foolish supplicant had roused him to yet another age of fear and creeping dread, but found his bloodthirst unslaked, having been brought to consciousness not by horror-filled screams of human sacrifice but by his little sister’s overly dramatic wail of 'Cthulhu’s touching me!' from her side of the family station wagon’s back seat".

 

G Andrew Lundberg of Los Angeles in California, USA: "On an otherwise fine spring morning, Helga Tottentanz learned in an exceptionally hard way that, whatever they might’ve told you in hospitality school up in Cologne, as a serving wench in Mainz’s finest inn in 451 AD, you don’t greet a battle-weary and obviously stressed general named Attila, fresh from crossing the Carpathians at the cost of ten thousand or so men, with an overly cheery 'Hi, Hun'”.

 

Greg Homer of San Vito, Costa Rica: "Zenta the Australopithecine woman gently placed the egg into her homemade reed basket (leaving behind two of her fingers bitten off by the mother Archaeopteryx) and silently wished that one day a harmless, delicious, abundant egg-laying bird would evolve".

 

Matthew Holmes of Doreen, Australia: "His burnt flesh sizzling like a burger on the grill, blood pouring from his wounds like an overshaken cola, and sweat as salty as French fries pouring down his face, John knew that after this mission was over, he was getting McDonald's for dinner".

 

And Tony Buccella of Allegany in New York: "If broken hearts were made of simple syrup, and shattered dreams were made from white rum, and agony and despair came from ¾ ounce of lime juice, freshly squeezed, and three mint leaves respectively, then Mary Lou just served up a mojito cocktail straight from the ninth circle of hell when she told Ricky the baby wasn’t his".

Israeli All-clear to Murder Civilians

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) allegedly loosened their rules of engagement with Hamas after October 07, 2023, giving officers permission to conduct airstrikes even when they knew that dozens of civilians would be killed, the New York Times has reported. 

 

In fact, the IDF issued an order authorizing mid-ranking officers to strike not just senior Hamas commanders or known military sites, but also low-level fighters and sites with a potentially high number of civilian bystanders, the newspaper reported on Thursday, citing interviews with Israeli officers. 

 

Whereas the IDF officially tolerated between five and ten civilian casualties for every enemy operative killed in the past, the change in the rules bumped the number of acceptable casualties up to 20, the New York Times’ sources said.

 

But in practice, IDF commanders authorized strikes that they knew would endanger more than 100 civilians, the newspaper claimed, citing interviews with more than 100 military personnel. 

 

Flawed systems were used to identify targets, and unguided 2,000-pound bombs were used in strikes that previously would have called for smaller munitions, it added. Within three days of Hamas’ attack, the IDF removed a pre-existing cap on the number of strikes their forces could conduct in a single day. As a result, some 30,000 munitions were fired in the first seven weeks of the conflict, more than in the next eight months combined, according to the report. 

 

Israeli forces have killed nearly 45,400 people in Gaza since the conflict began, according to figures supplied by Gaza’s Health Ministry and accepted as accurate by the UN. The majority of those killed have been women and children.

 

Jawbreaker Breaks A Jaw

They don't call jawbreakers "jawbreakers" for nothing, as one 19-year-old college student painfully learned when she tried to bite down on the large candy ball (known as a gobstopper in Britain).

 

"Has anyone else ever wondered if a jawbreaker can actually break your jaw?" Javeria Wasim asked on a TikTok video, her mouth wired shut after an emergency hospital visit. 

 

"Spoiler alert: it can and it did". 

 

Wasim and her friend decided to buy jawbreakers while out shopping in Toronto, Canada last month. Wasim says she challenged herself to bite through the 'giant' three-inch diameter sweet in a rush to reach the hidden bubblegum tucked into the candy's center. But rather than bite the large sphere in half, she only managed to make a dent in the jawbreaker's surface. 

 

Meanwhile, she chipped a tooth, loosened another, and fractured her lower jaw bone in two places. Ouch! 

 

Wasim is now advising others to take their time reaching the jawbreaker's centerpiece. "It's better to take the six weeks to get through to it than having six weeks suffering the consequences".

 

Liverpool enter 2025 top of the Premier League, stretching their lead to eight points as they thrashed an abject West Ham United 5-0.

 

In fact, a first-half masterclass had left a desperately passive Hammers well beaten.

 

Luis Diaz gave them the lead with a powerful finish on the half-hour mark. Cody Gakpo was then the beneficiary of Mohamed Salah's brilliant footwork to add a second after 40 minutes, before the Egyptian inevitably got in on the act himself with a low drive on the stroke of half-time for his 20th goal of a superb season. 

 

The game already belonged to the Reds but they claimed two more goals after the break. Trent Alexander-Arnold took a pass from Ryan Gravenberch with time to wait and look up, the lack of pressure from the West Ham players almost a public snub, before spanking a deflected shot past their goalkeeper in the 54th minute. And thirty minutes afterward, Diogo Jota emerged as a substitute and swept a first-time shot into the net from a Mo Salah pass.

 

 

 

 

Chinese Tourists Find "a Home Away From Home" in Malaysia

Thanks to the China-Malaysia visa-free policy, more Chinese tourists are exploring Melaka, uncovering its deep historical ties with Zheng He's voyages and the rich Baba-Nyonya culture.

 

 

Celtic saw out 2024 in sensational style at Celtic Park yesterday as they thumped bottom side St Johnstone 4-0. This Scottish Premiership outcome widens their lead over closest rivals Rangers to 14 points before a trip to Ibrox on Thursday.

 

The opener arrived from a familiar source. Reo Hatate burst through the middle of the park with the ball at his feet and sent an excellent pass out to Nicolas Kuhn. The winger cut inside towards the penalty area and smashed his shot beyond the goalie and in to the back of the net to give the Celts a well-deserved lead in the thirtieth minute.

 

Kuhn came close again before Kyogo Furuhashi benefitted from a well-worked corner to nod home from a yard in the 59th minute after the other side's keeper parried Paulo Bernardo's flick towards goal. Another arrived five minutes later for the Japanese striker thanks to a beautifully whipped low cross from Arne Engels and Kyogo smashed it first time into the back of the net. 

 

And then, substitute Daizen Maeda came on and gave a composed finish to a delightful dinked through ball from Bernardo in the seventy-third minute to secure Celtic's second 4-0 win of the week. 

 

 

South Korea's Leadership Chaos

And now, South Korean lawmakers have impeached acting president Han Duck-soo on Friday, sinking the country deeper into a political crisis triggered by his predecessor's martial law declaration that shocked the country.

 

This deepens political turmoil, threatens the country’s currency and shakes confidence in its economy. 

 

The won, which plunged Friday to its lowest level against the dollar since 2009, has been in near-constant decline since Yoon Suk Yeol’s failed attempt to scrap civilian rule on December 03. Business and consumer confidence in Asia’s fourth-largest economy have also taken their biggest hit since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, according to figures released by the Bank of Korea.

 

Han (left) had taken over just fifteen days ago from Yoon Suk Yeol, who was suspended following a parliament vote over his move to impose martial law. However, opposition MPs who control parliament, have now also stripped Han – who was also prime minister – of his presidential duties, arguing that he had refused demands to complete Yoon's impeachment process and to bring him to justice.

 

Korea's Constitutional Court typically consist of a nine-member bench. At least six judges must uphold Yoon's impeachment in order for the decision to be upheld. Given that there are currently only six judges on the bench – meaning a single rejection would save Yoon from being removed – the opposition had wanted to appoint three additional nominees. And Han blocked their appointments.

 

A total of 192 lawmakers voted for his impeachment, more than the 151 votes needed for it to succeed. Still, the vote was passed in chaotic scenes as the Han and Yoon's ruling People's Power Party (PPP) lawmakers protested after National Assembly Speaker Woo Won-shik declared only a simple majority was required for the impeachment to pass. [Note: This meant that, unlike the 200 votes required for Yoon's impeachment, no votes from ruling lawmakers would be needed this time for Han to be impeached in parliament].

 

Finance minister Choi Sang-mok (right) is set to replace Han as acting president. Like Yoon, Han's impeachment will need to be confirmed by the constitutional court, which have 180 days to rule on whether the impeachment should be upheld.

 

Han announced on Friday, "I respect the decision of the National Assembly". He also said that he would suspend his duties to "not add to the chaos".

WSC 2024 Poster Collection

WSC Kuala Lumpur may be keeping a low profile but we are very much active in promoting public speaking in the Kuala Lumpur metropolitan scene. Ours adopt a free-and-easy format and every attendee speaks. We've just completed our thirty-sixth meeting this month and if you must know, we're already in our fourth year.

Yes, like any other club, members come and go – but check out our current membership as at today:

You may be interested to know that six of our pioneer group of ten members – World Speakers' Coalition Kuala Lumpur were chartered on September 04, 2020 and our maiden meeting was on 23rd of the same month of that year – are still very much with us.

And we're showing you this year's posters, a continuation of the earlier series spanning 2020-2023 – and which were featured in my post published December 31, 2023:

 

Bagoong and Cincalok

I watched the Best Ever Food Review Show's video "Eating the Philippines WORST Rated Foods!! (It's bad...)" on YouTube on Tuesday and one dish that was highlighted and which caught my attention was bagoong sisi (or ginamos nga sisi) – essentially, fermented small oysters and clams – which are harvested from the Visayas region. And I read it only takes three days to ferment!

 

You should know that bagoong is the Filipino condiment made from salted and fermented raw seafood. This imbues the paste with the umami of the sea: proudly briny and deeply salty, with a funky aroma that's impossible to ignore. And it can be made from small shrimp or krill (bagoong alamang), fish (bagoong isda), and even oysters/clams (bagoong sisi).

 

How to use bagoong: 

• Serve it as a condiment alongside kare-kare (a thick, rich peanut stew that is a popular dish in the Philippines) or laing (a creamy, rich, and spicy Filipino dish of taro leaves cooked in coconut milk and spiced with chilies, garlic, shallots, lemongrass, ginger, and shrimp paste).
  
• Use it like salt to season pinakbet (also called pakbet), an indigenous Filipino dish from the northern regions of the Philippines. Pinakbet is made with a variety of mixed vegetables flavored with bagoóng. 
• Mix it with honey to make a chicken wing glaze or a sweet-salty dipping sauce. 
• Treat it like anchovies, as an ingredient in pasta or in Caesar salad dressing.

I'm fascinated with bagoong because this dish reminds me of cincalok, a pungent, salty, and sour condiment from my hometown Melaka, Malaysia that's made from fermented shrimp or krill (udang halus in Malay). And often used as an ingredient in dip for fish or vegetables. 

 

If you must know, it's a favorite of mine.

Queer Courses in US Varsities

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't realise that increasingly, more and more US tertiary institutions are starting to offer queer courses until I came across a New York Post news article "Princeton to offer classes on erotic dance, sex work, and ‘queer spaces’" on Tuesday. 

 

[Note: Queer studies, sexual diversity studies, or LGBTQ+ studies refer to the study of topics relating to gender identity and sexual orientation].

 

Princeton University, one of the most prestigious institutions in the US, are introducing courses on traditionally taboo subjects as part of their spring 2025 semester curriculum, according to their published online course listing.

 

The offerings, part of the school’s gender and sexuality studies program, will cover topics such as queer theory, prostitution, pornography, sex tourism, and architectural histories viewed through feminist and LGBTQ+ perspectives.

 

One course called "Love: Anthropological Explorations" is said to explore links between love and technology, gender, race, law, capitalism, colonialism, and religion. Another course on prostitution, "Power, Profit and Pleasure: Sex Workers and Sex Work", is pitched as a discussion about sex workers and their clients, and will cover stigmatization and controversies regarding the topic, as well as race, class, and queer dynamics. And a course on "Queer Spaces in the World" will delve into the history of “groups and institutions that have actively resisted dominant regimes of power” and analyze institutional and historical power dynamics through gender-related theories.

 

Stanford University in California, announced last week a course called "Queer Electronic Music Composition", which will focus on LGBTQ+ contributions to electronic music and creative projects. 

 

The University of Chicago’s 2023-2024 program had included a religious studies course called "Queering God", which was promoted as applying LGBTQ+ ideology to different religions. 

 

Even Texas Christian University offered a "Queer Art of Drag" class last year that required students to create a “drag persona” and “engage queer theories in relation to performance practice”.

 

I'm sure there are many more colleges and universities offering queer courses too. 

 

I suppose these queer courses help promote diversity, equity and inclusion. But they also aim to dismantle traditional assumptions about gender and sexual identities. And if you don't already know, DEI is a big thing in the US and Western societies in general.

 

To many people, DEI goes beyond addressing gender and race discrimination as it prominently focuses on LGBTQ+ issues just as much, if not more.  

 

In any case, some sections of American society are staging a fightback. And so, DEI programs in higher education have been targeted by a wave of anti-DEI legislation and political pressure: 

• Number of bills. Since 2023, more than 85 anti-DEI bills have been proposed in 28 states, and 14 have become law. 
• States with DEI bans. Florida, North Carolina, North Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas have signed laws banning DEI initiatives.

Ukraine's Army of Satanists

Apti Alaudinov, commander of the Akhmat Special Forces, has framed Russia's ongoing Special Military Operation in Ukraine as a sacred war. He called it a spiritual fight against the “army of Satanists” as he refers the NATO-backed Ukrainian forces.

 

And the situation in the Kursk Region is getting worse for the Ukrainian army with every passing day, the Economist writes, citing Ruslan Mokritsky, a Ukrainian officer. 

 

Since the start of fighting in the Kursk area, Kiev has lost a total of over 41,660 troops, 242 tanks, 182 infantry fighting vehicles, 126 armored personnel carriers, 1,279 armored combat vehicles, 1,150 motor vehicles, 316 artillery guns, 41 multiple launch rocket systems, including 11 US-made HIMARS launchers and six MLRS launchers, and 13 missile launchers.

 

Elsewhere, the situation is not getting any better.

 

The Russian Armed Forces hold the initiative on the entirety of the front line with Ukraine. Presently, their troops advance 1-2 kilometers (0.6-1.2 miles) a day, compared to a year ago when it was 200-300 meters (0.12-0.19 miles) only. Their "zone of control" keeps expanding.

 

And that's not all. Ukraine’s army are grappling with a catastrophic desertion crisis as more than 200,000 soldiers have reportedly quit, as per Times Now World. 

 

Just this week, twenty-two elite 71st Jaeger Brigade soldiers forsaken their posts. In mid-December, around 1,000 troops from the 155th Anna Kievskaya Brigade who had been trained in France, deserted after deployment.

Indeed, with morale draining and manpower depleting, Ukraine’s military are collapsing under the weight of their own exodus. And threatened their ability to hold the front lines.

 

Ukraine is finished!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Liverpool came back after conceding in the sixth minute to beat Leicester City 3-1 at Anfield on Thursday and open a seven-point lead at the top of the Premier League.

 

Throughout the rest of the first half, the Reds continued to huff and puff through the fog at Anfield. It took them until first-half injury time to get the equaliser. Codey Gakpo cut in from the left and struck a superb curling effort beyond the Leicester goalkeeper to deservedly level the score.

 

The league leaders then put the Foxes under siege straight from the break and took just four minutes into the second half to go ahead through Curtis Jones. The Merseysiders moved the ball around in tight spaces before Alexis Mac Allister's square pass was steered in by the Englishman.

 

Well, these days, it’s not a Liverpool match until Mo Salah has his say, and the Egyptian just had his say. He scored with a phenomenal curler from a tight angle that just crept into the far corner in the eighty-second minute. A classy finish as he marked his 100th home Premier League goal in his 142nd such game.

 

Liverpool's 19th and final Premier League home game of 2024 ended in victory that leaves Arne Slot's side in a more than decent position to win the league for the first time in five years. Anyway, they are away at West Ham United next on Sunday.

Donald Trump "Buys" Canada, Greenland and the Panama Canal on Amazon

Eric Trump shared a post on social media platform X featuring his father, President-elect Donald Trump, humorously describing himself as "buying" Canada, Greenland and the Panama Canal – through the Amazon app. 

 

[For background info, kindly refer to my posts "American Puppets" and "Greenland Again Tells Donald Trump It Is Not For Sale", published December 12 and 24, 2024 respectively].

 

The image below shows Trump searching on his phone, adding the three territories to his "cart", Telegrafi reports:

 

😂😂😂

 

Yesterday, Celtic won an emphatic 4-0 victory over Motherwell at Parkhead.

 

The league leaders won a penalty just before the break when the Well goalkeeper was adjudged to have impeded Hyun-Jun Yang following the forward’s dramatised fall in the 18-yard-box. And the spot-kick was confidently converted by Arne Engels. 

 

Then, Engels turned provider, teeing up Liam Scales, who diverted his header to the feet of Daizen Maeda, who coolly slotted his finish into the back of the net in the 57th minute. 

 

Second-half substitute Nicolas Kuhn struck home in the 74th minute after his low-drilled strike deflected off of an onrushing Motherwell player and directed into the far corner. 

 

And Reo Hatate wrapped up the three-points finding the opposing corner in the 81st minute, with a similar low strike on-goal.

 

After struggling to break through, Celtic’s quality took them to a triumph that was ultimately comfortable. They remain clear at the top of the Scottish Premiership table on 47 points.

 

 

North Korean Soldiers Suffer Casualties in Russia's Kursk

The stories about North Koreans fighting in Russia’s Kursk may be make-believe but they continue to stubbornly gain traction. I know it's unbelievable but it's true.

On October 16 this year, Ukraine’s President [V]olodymyr [Z]elensky told parliament that North Korea had become a “de facto participant” in the war between Ukraine and Russia. He added that Ukrainian intelligence had found that North Korea was not only transferring weapons, but also soldiers to Moscow.

Of course lah, once he announced this deployment, there must surely be casualties to make the fiction believable. And so, reports emerge to reveal that thousands of them have been killed or wounded while fighting on Russia’s side. 

 

Already, authorities in Ukraine, South Korea and the United States have all reported deaths among those North Korean soldiers.

 

Figures vary depending on who they come from. 

 

[Z]elensky posted on X on Monday that Ukrainian forces had killed or wounded more than 3,000 North Korean soldiers in Russia’s Kursk region.

 

His estimate is higher, however, than that of South Korea’s military officials, who also said on Monday that at least 1,100 North Korean troops had been killed or wounded.

 

Earlier, Seoul’s spy agency, the National Intelligence Service, disclosed on December 19 that of those, approximately 100 had been killed and 1,000 had been injured since they entered combat against Ukraine.

 

South Korean parliament member Lee Sung-kwon updated reporters on these same figures seven days ago, according to the BBC. He said that the casualties included high-ranking officials, and suggested that the soldiers died because they were unfamiliar with Russian terrain and drone warfare.

 

Speaking to reporters on December 16, Pentagon press secretary Major General Pat Ryder said the US believed North Korean soldiers had "engaged in combat in Kursk alongside Russian forces" and "suffered casualties, both killed and wounded". However, he did not give specific numbers, but said the troops had been in combat since "a little over a week ago".

 

He added it appeared the North Koreans were being used in infantry roles and that their involvement was thought so far to be limited to Kursk, implying that they have not been deployed in Ukraine itself. 

 

On that same day, [Z]elensky posted drone footage on Telegram that showed a number of men taking cover behind trees, saying they were North Korean troops who had just taken part in an assault on a Ukrainian position. Furthermore, he posted another footage which he claimed were Russian troops trying to conceal the presence of North Koreans on the battlefield "by using a campfire to burn the faces of those who had been killed". 

 

In wartime, the fiction genre is, indeed, popular!